It's no secret that I often try to silence my inner demons with food. I distract them with a quick sugar high... lull them into a deep slumber with mounds of carbohydrates....bury them under thousands of empty calories...but they always come back. They wake up covered in vegan cheese and strawberry jam. They crawl their way through the mountains of chips and the rivers of cashew milk ice cream right back into my conscious awareness where I'm stuck with the dilemma of dealing with them or eating another granola bar. (Maybe even an order of Pal's fries if it's a particularly large demon.)
I thought that I had already slayed these beasts of self doubt and self loathing. The dragon who instead of fire, breathes insults and "you're not good enoughs", hot enough to blaze through almost anyone's self esteem. Yet so it seems the demons have been hibernating deep in my mind waiting for a chance to come back to life, to be seen and heard once again.
I realized that maybe the demon is me. My whole life I was told to be quiet. I was consoled with food. Just as I ignore my inner demons, I was ignored, pushed aside and made to feel that my opinion didn't matter. So I sat quietly, bottling up the anger for years and years. I wanted someone to listen. I wanted someone to care. This demon wants a voice so she claws at my heart and whispers despicable things, hoping that I'll take notice. Perhaps instead of seeking to destroy my demon I should sit down and have a chat with her. Maybe I'll see that she isn't so bad after all. Maybe she only wants to be heard, acknowledged and appreciated. Maybe she doesn't need slaying after all... maybe, just maybe, all she needs is a little love.
