Behind the Mask

I posted this several months ago but I deleted it yesterday before posting my newer stuff so that no one would read it. It's seems hypocritical of me to delete it out of fear, when the post itself is about overcoming fear. Although I am in a better place today than I was when I wrote this and I have worked through much of what I was experiencing, I still feel that it should be shared...


I'm Amanda. Sweet, caring, thoughtful, loving, kind, Amanda. At least that is the image of me that other people hold in their realities. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner of their expectations...like I cannot fully express all facets of this diamond which is me. They see me as this free spirited, fairy winged, rainbow flower child. Yes... I am all of those things but I am so much more. I have darkness inside of me. I have anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, loneliness and fear. Quite a bit of fear, in fact. Fear of being judged,  fear of failing, fear of not being good enough, fear of being fabulous, fear of being alone. Fear of shining, fear of being free, fear of not doing it right. I am angry at myself, at people from my past who have hurt me, angry at the way things are in this world. I have a bad habit of pushing these feelings down, deep within me. If they come to the surface I feel them briefly, only for a minute... like passing your hand over a flame. I can feel these emotions. I feel their warmth and their destructive nature. I never allow myself to become fully immersed in the flame. I always scratch the surface and then think of some peaceful, love and light, whatever response to why I am feeling that way and then come up with an alternative way of thinking. For instance, when I was upset about a past relationship, I allowed myself to feel the anger only for a moment and then said "well, I learned lots of lessons from this relationship and it is not in my highest good to feel these emotions. I send love and blessings to this person, etc etc." I think it's an excuse. I think that I do that so I don't allow myself to jump into the emotions and feel them, really feel them. I am denying myself that experience out of fear. I am afraid of what might happen if I let myself go into the abyss. I also have a sensual, passionate side to me that most people don't get to see. I like to feel sexy and desired. I like knowing that I am wanted. I hide behind the mask of innocence and sweetness. I have an inner vixen that desperately wants to come out. I don't think I've even fully let her out yet. It's engrained in us women to be "wholesome" and to be "ladies". Well I am not a lady, nor do I want to be. I want to wear crimson lipstick and show my cleavage and flirt and be wildly passionate with a stranger. I don't do it though. I stay hidden. Safe. Tucked away. Fear of rejection and fear of what other people might think of me is what keeps my inner vixen confined. This fear also keeps my inner writer, my inner singer, my inner artist and my inner dancer buried deep within me. This fear is what keeps me from being fully present in my life and from exploring all of the beauty that is around me.

Fear is what chains us. Fear is what keeps us from experiencing our lives. We hide behind the masks because we fear what is beneath them. We fear the anger, the hurt, the vixen, our own inner demons. We fear that they will consume us. We fear that other people might not like us, might not love us if we show our true colors. Sometimes even our dearest of friends never see behind these masks. Even our family members do not know who we truly are. I think it's time to cast off our masks and reveal the true beauty that is within us. If you only look at a diamond from one angle, you miss the shimmer, the brilliant reflections of light, the rainbows that are on the other sides. It is time to reveal ourselves, to feel all of the emotions that are within us and to be who we truly are. It's time to stop apologizing for what we think, what we feel and who we are. I'm Amanda. Sweet, caring, thoughtful, loving, kind, Amanda.. but also angry, scared, bitter, passionate and sensual Amanda and I'm okay with that.